Secret Agent Rodman
We’re all laughing at Dennis Rodman today. It’s okay. I shared the video with every single person I know and also with every single person seated within a ten seat radius of me on the train this morning.
It’s only natural. It’s not every day that someone comes on TV dressed worse than Phillip Shepherd on Survivor.
But we’re all missing the reality of what’s going on here. Yeah, sure, everyone’s laughing it up, but that’s because we don’t know the truth. Well, I mean, I know the truth. But you don’t.
We’ve been trying for decades, and failing, to get inside of North Korea and get reliable intelligence. Rodman? He knocks it out of the park over the course of a single Globetrotters game.
Dennis Rodman is obviously a CIA Agent and one of America’s finest. Think about it, we’ve only got two “ins” with Kim Jong Un. His love of fried foods and his love of basketball. His own people can, clearly, satisfy his love of fried foods so that wasn’t really a viable route to gain influence. That leaves basketball. Ok, fine, but why Rodman? Doesn’t there have to be someone, anyone, better for the job?
I’m glad you asked. First of all, it couldn’t be a current player since they have jobs and stuff and their employers might fear the whole “entering a country where Americans are hated” thing. Second, it had to be a big star to get Kim Jong Un’s attention. God Shammgod, or Priest Lauderdale, or Junior Harrington weren’t going to move the needle. Third, it had to be someone who actually needed a job. Let’s face it, Jordan doesn’t have a whole hell of a lot of reasons to go behind enemy lines and risk his life for the sakes of our nation’s diplomatic policy when he can just swim in his money vault and sort of run his terrible, awful, no good, very bad team. This narrows the field significantly. There aren’t that many world famous basketball players who are flat broke. When you find one it’s critical that they are blessed with the skills to actually pull off the caper.
You need someone that thrives in dangerous, life-threatening situations. Rodman aces this test. First of all, he dated Madonna. Then he upped the ante and went on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. How is trying to kick your problems with addiction dangerous, you ask? Well, let’s just say that Celebrity Rehab doesn’t have the best success rates. The show has an 11.6% mortality rate. To put that in perspective, here is a list of activities than are safer than appearing on Celebrity Rehab: BASE jumping, illegal street racing, and actually abusing heroin.
In addition to an aptitude for surviving dangerous situations, you need a great actor. It’s important to have the kind of actor who can really make an impact and Double Team the opposition.
Obviously, working with the great Jean Claude Van Dam provided Rodman with an opportunity to learn some valuable combat skills that would later be honed in WCW.
But wait, there’s more!
See, Rodman has prior espionage training. How many other people can honestly say that they won Celebrity Mole? Sure, sure, sure, you may want to discount outsmarting Stephen Baldwin and Corbin Bernsen, but whatever. The Worm clearly has espionage chops. And think about it. Rodman’s known far and wide as the Worm. What better name is there for a spy than the Worm? Especially if you back it up by worming your way into the graces of Kim Jong Un?
Once you put the pieces together it’s obvious. Too obvious, and that’s the problem. Rodman’s an asset now, but that all falls apart if his BFF realizes he’s been played. It all falls apart if everyone in America realizes that their only diplomatic connection to one of the world’s most dangerous dictators is some dude that’s bouncing from reality show to reality show. Rodman’s trip had to get out of the news cycle and Rodman had to go back to being some dude who’s going to get fired by Trump in a couple weeks.
And that’s why secret agent Dennis Rodman ends up speaking to George Stephanopolis on national TV wearing the most ridiculous suit ever created in the history of the human race. He did it to hide his true identity.
It’s either that, or our planet is just really fucking weird.