When life hands you lemons you make lemonade.
But, sometimes, you don’t have sugar, water, and a gift at the culinary arts so you end up with an almost inedible fruit you have to choke down in order to ward off starvation and scurvy.
I mention this because life just gave me some lemons. Metaphorically, of course. It would be patently ridiculous to complain about somebody literally handing me lemons ’cause even if I had to squeeze the juice into my mouth it would ward off dehydration for a couple hours.
The literal entity that gave me the figurative lemons is the city of Aurora, Colorado and I’d like to thank the city for not fixing the gigantic pothole that jacked up my car to the tune of $400 and gave me a wicked concussion when my head slammed into the side window. It was my favorite Monday ever.
In case anyone is wondering whether or not they should go and get a concussion I’m going to cut through the suspense and say that I don’t recommend it. In fact, I would rather go on a Carnival Cruise and get scurvy because it takes the Coast Guard a week to tow the boat back to shore than get another concussion. At least I might be able to get a book deal out of the damned poop cruise.
I never lost consciousness, or saw triple, forgot what city I was in, or called my kid Pizza instead of her name like you see guys do in movies when they get a fictional concussion. Okay, that last one was a lie; I actually told my kid to “put a daughter in the cart, Pizza.” Not my greatest moment. For the record she was smart enough to figure out what I meant and kind enough to not mock me while I was within earshot.
I mention this not to garner sympathy, but to point out that the universe has taken advantage of these last three weeks to totally and completely fuck with me. I’ve had to cross-check pretty much every thing that’s hit the news in the last three weeks to make sure it either didn’t come from The Onion, or from a conservative news outlet stupid enough to think that a story from The Onion was real news. Here’s the highlights:
The Broncos cut star defense player Elvis Dumervil because he has issues while trying to fax a thirty million dollar contract from a Kinkos.
Thousands of people lose their jobs and/or benefits thanks to the sequester and Republicans bitch about White House tours ending.
There was ANOTHER Carnival Poop Cruise.
Puxhatawney Phil gets indicted and has to be physically protected from death threats.
I’m not sure why the universe decided to go crazy, but, whatever. Whether life gives you lemons or would-be groundhog assassins it’s much, much harder to figure out what to do with it if you get a screaming headache every time you step into the light and the constant ringing in your ears makes it hard to focus on anything. But after three weeks I’m over the worst and I’m about ready to lace ‘em up and play some football.