6:01 – Scientology. Really? For gods sake.
6:02 – The dude from Bar Rescue is slamming the Broncos for “dropping the ball.” That’s the first commercial I’ve ever seen that made me want to throw a brick through my television screen.
6:09 – Beyonce lookin’ good.
6:13 – This is way better than the Paul McCartney or Tom Petty half time shows.
6:19 – One of my friends just ran to BK at halftime for some grub. They were out of burgers. I don’t even understand how that can happen. Someone clearly failed the “You Just Had One Job” test.
6:27 – My dog keeps trying to jack everyone’s food. So far he’s being shut out, but that doesn’t stop Mello from trying.
6:28 – Jack in the Box with the YouTube commercial line of the night, “and that’s how I met your mom.” Well done, Evil Ad Executives of America, well done.
6:31 – The under on the number of Harbaugh parents appearances is looking surprisingly good.
6:32 – Jacoby Jones runs the opening kick of the second half back for a touchdown. Ravens 28 – Niners 6. Screw this. I’m taking a break to go buy some deer antler spray.
6:34 – The Niners respond by returning the next kick back to the 12. Great.
6:36 – Apparently the lights just went out.
6:37 – If this was pro wrestling someone would fly down from the rafters and hit Flacco in the knee with a steel chair. I wish this was pro wrestling.
6:39 – Dear God, it’s the eTrade baby. I HATE the eTrade baby so, so much. Normally I don’t hate babies, but I make an exception for this one.
6:40 – Still no lights. The backup generators have kicked in for half the stadium. The sideline reporter is the only dude with a working mic.
6:41 – Nothing is going right for New Orleans sports lately. Goodell ruined the Saints season, the Hornets decided to re-brand with the least intimidating animal mascot ever, and now, the stadium shits the bed on the biggest stage of all.
6:43 – The lucky chair Voodoo Bud Light ad was funny. Bud Light still sucks, but their ads are bringing it today.
6:45 – Stretching! Yeah, let’s show dudes stretching! Who doesn’t love dudes stretching?
6:46 – My cat Oscar decided to jump on my lap. That’s how he do.
6:47 – Ray Lewis is apparently too good for stretching. Whatever.
6:48 – I’ve honestly never seen this happen in a football game. I tried to come up with a tasteful joke about a power outage in the Superdome, but I’ve got nothing.
6:53 – Dixon on the 49ers is the first man I’ve ever seen with blond-tipped braids. I don’t even know how to process that.
6:54 – Another 15 minutes until power comes back. I guess I’ll resume my search for deer antler spray during the down time
6:55 – Our first Alex Smith mention of the night.
6:57 – This is just getting boring. I think that the Bud Light Voodoo dude might be responsible for the outage.
7:01 – It’s too bad that CBS doesn’t have a crew of people whose job it is to talk that could fill up some airtime and make this power outage less irritating.
7:03 – John Harbaugh just told some dude in a suit to “shut the fuck up.” I’m not a great lip reader, but I caught that one.
7:05 – I think this is the first time in my life I ever wanted a TV show to go to commercial.
7:06 – Jim Nantz with a lame joke about Phil Simms’ phone charger.
7:07 – My dog is snoring
7:09 – Dudes standing around! This is the NFL!!!!!!
7:10 – Play finally resumes and the Niners took 34 minutes to come up with a seven yard pass on third and thirteen. I’m so glad we waited for that.
7:15 – the Lucky Chair Bud Light Voodoo Guy ad gets repeated.
7:20 – Kaepernick has Crabtree for a huge gain – and Crabtree drops it.
7:21 – Niners timeout for no reason at 7:53 of the third quarter. Those kinds of timeouts just kill teams.
7:22 – Axe body spray managed to create an ad centered around astronauts that sucked. That’s hard to do, because astronauts are awesome.
7:24 – Vernon Davis’ shoes are incredible.
7:25 – Touchdown Niners! Kapernick to Crabtree. Ravens 28 – Niners 13 and we give the dog some bread to celebrate. Yeah, bread. It’s how he rolls.
7:26 – Kia robot atomic wedgie. That is totally YouTubable.
7:27 – Gagnam Style Pistacchio ads. I guess Psy was lying when he said he was done with Gagnam Style. Opa Gagnam Style!
7:28 – SACK! Niners D is on fire! Punt is shanked and Ginn runs it punt back to the 19. We might just have a game here.
7:32 – Touchdown GORE! However, I could have done without the HD replay of him running without an athletic supporter.
7:34 – Beck’s Sapphire – an upscale version of our normal shitty beer!
7:35 – Ravens 28 – Niners 20. It looks like the Ravens might be choking. I’d love to see them lose in crippling, heartbreaking fashion.
7:37 – Ted Ginn Jr with the double-barreled farmers blow on the field.
7:40 – FUMBLE!!!!! I am loving this game right now
7:42 – Akers shanks it. Running into the kicker.
7:43 – That was fucking hilarious
7:44 – Akers drills the kick. Ravens 28 – Niners 23.
7:46 – Jacoby Jones just got JACKED UP!
7:51 – And, finally, the longest quarter in football history is over.
7:57 – Goal Line stand by the Niners followed by a Tucker field goal. Ravens 31 – Niners 23.
7:59 – That two minute long Dodge ad saying that farmers are awesome almost made me fall asleep.
8:04 – Touchdown Niners! Kaepernick! Two point conversation for the tie is no good. This Ravens collapse is going to be blamed on the blackout, but it’s really just karma for what happened in Denver.
8:06 – Space babies and wheels on the bus. Kia is getting it done tonight. Hell, I’d buy a Kia if I didn’t already own one.
8:14 – The Montana Miracle stain – another failed attempt to create a YouTube hit.
8:16 – Niners win a challenge to bring up 3rd down. Ravens convert and continue the drive.
8:21 – Tucker field goal. Ravens 34 – Niners 29.
8:24 – Niners have the ball with 4:19 left, two timeouts, and 80 yards to go.
8:26 – Vernon Davis drops an easy pass for at least 40 yards.
8:27 – Crabtree for 24!
8:28 – Gore down to the 7 yard line! The Niners are in serious danger of scoring too quickly.
8:30 – I have to admit that I would wear a diaper for Samsung. Who wouldn’t?
8:32 – Incomplete pass on 2nd down
8:33 – Time out San Francisco to avoid what would have been a ridiculous delay of game penalty.
8:34 – Incomplete pass on 3rd down. Crabtree got crushed.
8:35 – And the referees just handed Baltimore the game. Apparently it’s okay to completely mug a receiver in the end zone.
8:36 – Wow.
8:37 – It’s great when the biggest game of the year is decided by the referees.
8:38 – That stupid time out to avoid the delay of game penalty looks really, really bad right now.
8:41 – Brilliant call on the intentional safety.
8:42 – Anyone who bet that there wouldn’t be a safety just started crying.
8:42 – Game over.
8:43 – Congratulations to the Super Bowl Champions – The Referees
8:44 – This Ravens team has to be the luckiest and least-talented team to ever win the Super Bowl.
8:45 – And, yes, I’m a hater.
8:54 – Sure, I’m a hater, but now I’m a hater who owns stock in various companies that make the Deer Antler Spray. Thanks to my eTrade app, of course.
Check out Part 1 here:
Check out Part 2 here: