All times are in Mountain Standard time ’cause that’s how I roll. So, without further adieu, let’s get this mother started!
4:03 – Jim Nantz and Phil Simms just spent a full minute discussing how confusing it is to have two different coaches with the same last name. The solution they find is to call one “Coach John” and the other “Coach Jim.” I’m not sure how they were able to figure that one out, but, gosh, I sure am glad they did.
4:05 – Pizza Hut’s not fucking around. I have a feeling we’re going to see that commercial roughly seven million times in the next three hours.
4:10 – Here come the Ravens to U2.
4:11 – Here come the Niners to Dre and Tupac. Advantage Niners and it’s not even close.
4:13 – David Akers has a magnificent bald spot.
4:14 – Pizza Hut just might have won the award for worst ad of the day with their “You Can’t Have Football Without the Hut” ad. On a side note I’m all of a sudden getting hungry.
4:17 – The Walter Payton man of the year award goes to Jason Witten of the Dallas Cowboys. Good job on being an awesome dude, Jason. Bad job on stealing one of Craig Sager’s suits for the occasion.
4:18 – America the Beautiful by the chorus from Sandy Hook Elementary. I legitimately enjoyed the kids more than Jennifer Hudson. The kids were awesome.
4:22 – The guy signing the songs out is very enthusiastic. Dude is throwing it down.
4:26 – Is it really a good idea to give your team McDonalds in preparation for the title game? If I’m coaching the team I’d probably go another direction.
4:27 – Here comes the Hall of Famers, the coin toss, and the resolution of today’s first prop bet. Everybody who bet on “heads” is happy, but not as happy as Vegas. The house always wins.
4:32 – Kickoff! And, it’s a touchback.
4:33 – The first play of the game is a twenty yard completion to Vernon Davis taken away by an illegal formation penalty.
4:34 – Kapernick just tried to play-fake to Manti Teo’s imaginary girlfried or something. I I have no idea what the hell was going on there.
4:35 – Today’s first punt and here comes Flacco.
4:37 – Torrey Smith with a great catch for like 30 yards before he got jacked up.
4:39 – An offsides penalty keeps Baltimore on the field. Sigh.
4:40 – Touchdown. This is why you don’t commit stupid penalties on third and ten. Flacco’s run of dumb, blind luck continues.
4:41 – Gothic Budweiser. Seriously. What the fuck?
4:42 – M&Ms bringing Meatloaf back to the front for our first YouTubable ad of the day.
4:44 – I love touchbacks.
4:45 – GoDaddy just made me less likely to ever use their services.
4:46 – Goat 4 Sale. YouTube Ad #2. I can’t eat Doritos right now because the GoDaddy ad made my stomach flip, but I appreciate the insane goat.
4:47 – Fight!
4:48 – Oh my god. What an absolutely sick, sick, sick catch by Crabtree.
4:54 – Akers actually hits a kick!
4:55 – Pepsi Next with our first ad aimed at become a YouTube sensation that just failed. FYI – Pepsi Next sucks.
4:58 – Oreo with our next ad aimed at becoming a You Tube sensation that just failed. And, no, I’m not going to go on Instagram to talk about how much I like cream. Fuck that shit.
5:00 – Flacco definitely has a horseshoe up his ass today.
5:03 – Flacco definitely has a horseshoe up his ass today. What the fuck is going on here?
5:05 – Sack! An excellent way to end the first quarter.
5:06 – Fast and the Furious 87! Who says that Hollywood is out of ideas?
5:08 – Freeze frame of the Harbaugh’s derping. I’m guessing the parents aren’t going to get a FatHead of that picture.
5:09 – Speaking of the Harbaugh parents, here’s our first sighting! We only need 3 more appearances to win that particular prop bet. Yes, in case you weren’t aware, people actually have real money on how many times the Harbaugh parents will appear on camera.
5:10 – Vernon Davis is getting work done! Ravens have no answer for him so far.
5:14 – LaMichael James fumbles and then some dude in his underwear shows up on my TV. I hated this minute.
5:19 – Dixon with an incredible catch on the rebound. Apparently Flacco is passing the horseshoe around.
5:21 – Touchdown Baltimore. I hate this game.
5:22 – Some dude stealing sweaty socks to try and sell me Bud Light. Come to think of it, there’s probably not any beer that tastes more like sweaty socks than Bud Light. All kidding aside, the Bud Light Voodoo is totally You Tubable.
5:24 – I hate GoDaddy so, so much. That ad was just dumb and weird. They were clearly going for “wacky,” but it just veered into dumb.
5:25 – Times have changed. I can’t imagine there would be an ad for Star Trek in Super Bowl I. Now? Now everybody in the room gets pumped up for it.
5:26 – I’ve seen more of The Rock today than I’ve seen of Ray Lewis. Definitely not how I expected this game to unwind.
5:28 – Kapernick hits Ed Reed in the numbers. Just a beautiful throw that wasn’t within 20 yards of anyone wearing red and gold.
5:33 – Our first Justin Tucker appearance of the day and… it’s a fake. Niners stop him a yard short of the first down. I love fake field goals, but I honestly have no idea what the hell the Ravens were thinking there. Our score remains Ravens – 14, Niners 3.
5:36 – Rasta Minnesotan turning smiles upside down doesn’t make me want to buy a Volkswagen. I do have to give credit to the Evil Advertising Executives of America. They’re trying hard. It’s not always working, but the effort is definitely there.
5:39 – Kaepernick with his second pass right into a Raven’s chest. Dude got lucky Williams couldn’t hang on.
5:40 – Cowboys, showgirls, camels, glitter, and motorcycles in the race for a Coke and then they want you to vote on who wins. Sigh.
5:42 – Celebrating 15 years of Jared. I’m, uh, gonna have to miss that particular party.
5:43 – Phil Simms tries to convince us that the fake field goal wasn’t stupid. News flash: the fake field goal was stupid.
5:44 – Clear offensive pass interference call on Torrey Smith gets ignored and we go to the two minute warning
5:45 – Old people pranks acting like hooligans are hilarious, or something. I have no idea what product they were advertising, though.
5:48 – Jacoby Jones with an incredible catch, bounce up, and touchdown run. Ravens 21 – Niners 3.
5:57 – Kapernick gives up on 3rd and 2 before Akers comes in for a field goal. Ravens 21 – Niners 6 at halftime.
If you missed part one check it out here:
Continue reading with part three: