I didn’t do a damn thing today.
Okay, that’s a lie and I feel bad about lying to you. I did a great number of things today. I woke up, I commuted home, I drank three cups of coffee, I worked for 8+ hours, I ate lunch, I worked out, I commuted to work, I ate breakfast, and then I ate dinner. The time sequencing on that last sentence might be completely out of whack. Or, possibly, I had a very weird day. I’ll leave that for you to decide. Nevertheless, those activities all took place before I had discretionary free time at the end of the day and each one of those activities were necessary in order to prevent bad things like starvation, homelessness, and death from caffeine withdrawals.
But in the evening I had more options. I ended up petting my cat and then cleaning up the carpet when my dog peed all over the floor because he was mad that I was petting the cat. After that we watched the first five minutes of the national championship game in which it became clear that Notre Dame had as much chance of winning the national championship in college football as I have of winning the national championship in underwater Quidditch. Then I hung out with my wife while I debated whether or not I should do my first tweet from my TV now, or wait until a special occasion such as when I lose then national championship in underwater Quidditch and tweet out complaints that the refs had money on the other team. While I debated with myself, my wife made some blueberry muffins – and they were fantastic. Then we looked at homes online in an attempt to help fulfill one of my New Year’s Resolutions.
Now, I’m not complaining. In the words of the poet laureate of Compton, Mr. Ice Cube: “Today was a good day.” Sadly, the Lakers didn’t beat the Supersonics because, ya know, Oklahoma City stole the Supersonics a few years back marking the first time in the history when anyone voluntarily moved to Oklahoma City from Seattle. But while it was a good day, anyone of these following six items would have turned it up to eleven.
6. If my dog didn’t pee on the carpet because he’s jealous of my cat.
I hope this one is fairly self-explanatory. Seriously.
5. Wrench bending
Okay, I can’t do this. But I saw a friend of a friend do this at Casa Bonita and it is ridiculously awesome. So, what he did was take a wrench out of his pocket and then passed it around to everyone present to prove that it really was a normal and not very bendy wrench. Anyone who wanted to prove it wasn’t a very bendy wrench by attempting to bend it was more than welcome to try. I can vouch for it’s unbendiness. And then, once he had the not very bendy wrench back, he bent it with his bare hands. It took a minute, but here’s the results:
My day totally would have been more awesome if I had learned how to do that.
4. Buy a llama
I’d have to do layaway on this one or something until I have a house because my apartment complex doesn’t allow llamas. They also don’t allow sloths, badgers, kimodo dragons, horses, platypi, octopi, or any other animal where the plural ends in “pi.” I asked. But that wouldn’t stop me from, say, putting down a down payment on a llama for delivery in 30-90 days. Did you know that most llamas go for between $50 and $300? (according to Yahoo Answers which has an impeccable record of accuracy) I paid more than that for my dog!
3. Build a swimming pool out of a truck that looks kind of like Optimus Prime.
I’m absolutely, totally stealing this one from Buckwild. I’m not even going to lie. On the face of it this seems absolutely ridiculous. After deeper thought this seems absolutely ridiculous. You might figure that the kind of people who would think of doing this and the kind of people who have access to a semi would not be one and the same. You’d be wrong and MTV has the footage to prove it. This is the ultimate example of Redneck MacGuyvering and it certainly beats cleaning up dog pee. Buy my hypothetical version would be even better because I would totally trick out the truck to look exactly like Optimus Prime.
2. Underwater Quidditch.
If my Optimus Prime swimming pool was complete it could even double as an underwater Quidditch field. I mean, I know that all the cool kids are playing organized Quidditch nowadays, but I find something lacking in the game. The inability of humans to fly really ruins the authenticity of the Quidditch experience. However, if you play it underwater in scuba gear (I’m totally not playing on freaking Hufflepuff by the way) then you get as close to the true Quidditch experience as you can without breaking the laws of physics.
1. Jet Pack Quidditch.
Well, there is one way to get closer to the true Quidditch experience and that’s by actually flying. The downside is that everyone is shooting out jets of fire towards the ground so you have to be really careful not to undercut the dude you’re chasing because not even the dumbest insurer in the world will cover people playing this sport. Also, you need to be a multi-millionaire to afford the fuel for said jets of fire, but that’s quibbling about details. You’re in a jet pack and that’s a hell of a way to spend your day.