If you’re narcissistic enough to create your own web page and share it with the world then you’ve probably wondered at some point how to spread the gospel, so to speak, and ensnare even more innocents into your web of weirdness. And once that seed is stuck in your mind you probably wind up Googling said thought with the hopes of getting some useful advice from experts. What you’ll find is that the best way to get traffic to your website is to write an article about how to get traffic to your website. So I’m going to do that. Sort of. The typical format of these articles is to write a splashy headline with a number in it and then count down the “tips” in list format.
6. Write great content!
This is always the last bullet point in the various articles because, well, it’s supposed to be like the writer imparting Miyagi-like knowledge to your Daniel-san and letting you know that all the wax-on and wax-off is for naught unless you have heart. Or something. In reality, it’s the stupidest tip ever. It’s kind of like a basketball player asking for advice on how to improve his free-throw shooting and being told, “put the ball in the hoop.” Or telling a baseball player looking to up his batting average, “make contact with the ball more often.” No shit.
Either you already write great content, (such as Exhibit A, Exhibit B, or Exhibit C), or you’re trying, or you just might not be able to. Hell, Perez Hilton gets a shitload of traffic and nobody has ever accused him of writing good content, so it doesn’t seem to be a requirement anyways. And the real kicker is that I can’t imagine somebody reading one of these articles and seeing a recommendation to write great content and then having a light bulb turn on over their head and yell out, “whoa. I never thought of that. Holy shit, I should stop writing fan fiction and write about sloths or something.”
5. Use social media.
This is actually a good tip. But what’s not good is to be as vague as Nostradamus and just tell people to post their links on Twitter, Reddit, StumbleUpon, Facebook, etc. Thanks for the tip, Captain Obvious. Obviously, helpful advice for using these networks would take far too much effort when the goal of the writer is to just to spout off a bunch of keywords and SEO buzzwords so that it seems as if said writer what they’re talking about, so no such advise is ever actually given.
4. Add content to your site daily, no, twice a week, no, three times a week, no, daily!
Posting schedule is one of those things that the “experts” all have different advice on. I mean, let’s be real, who really knows? If you’re running the hypothetical website www.slothjokes.comit’s easy to add a new sloth joke every single day. If, on the other hand, you tend to write two thousand word odes to alligator-hunting cajuns, then daily updates might not be realistic. In my opinion, the advice would be to post as often as you can produce good content, but I’m hardly an expert so what do I know? The other option would be to get an army of content-producing robots that can help out when you’re brain isn’t working right.
This made my head hurt a little bit. Think about it. When was the last time you saw a paid web ad for a blog that made you go to said blog? I’d be surprised if it happens to anyone before the next sighting of the infamous Hale-Bopp coment.
2. Conduct a survey and then give your audience what they want!
I have two main problems with this idea.
I have two main problems with this idea.
First, if there’s one thing people hate it’s Internet surveys. They especially hate surveys that require more effort than clicking on a 1-5 scale for four questions. The information you’d get from that type of survey would have damn near zero impact on your blog.
Second, people lie. If you listen to what people saythen you’d think that the Real Housewives of Wherever They Are This Season was in imminent danger of cancellation and that Lincoln was going to shatter box office records. But people lie. The don’t always admit that they like what they like. Except for sloth jokes. Everybody loves those.
Yeah, keywords, use them. Saturate your stuff with them. There’s not much doubt that keywords are important, hell, they’re the reason you clicked on the stupid article purporting to tell you how to increase your web traffic in the first place. So, how do you use them? What do you do? Again, you’re veering too far into the territory of usefulness for most of these articles. But me, well, I’m better than that and I’m going to give you an actual example:
Let’s say you want to corner the market on sloth jokes. Which, believe me, is a lucrative market because most people enjoy sloth jokes. So, you focus your sloth jokes site around jokes involving sloths. Why did the sloth cross the road? It didn’t, because sloths are too slow and it got hit by a car! What a great sloth joke.
That’s a textbook example of how to oversaturate your blog with keywords while simultaneously tellinga terrible, horrible, no good, very badjoke that you should be ashamed of.
So, there you have it. Six not very helpful tips to increase your web traffic up to One Trillion Percentwhile I fill my site up with keywords relating to SEO and Sloths.