I was watching TV today and I saw two of the most disturbing and tragic incidents I’ve ever seen on reality television. Yes, more disturbing than the existence of the Real Housewives of Saskatchewan (or wherever the hell that show is actually located right now), or dudes making squirrel sausage on Swamp People, or Bear Grylls drinking his own pee to further his quest of becoming a meme, or numerous individuals injecting steroids just to compete on the Real-World/Road Rules Challenge, or every moment on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew/Rehab without Celebrities with Dr. Drew when people start screaming at each other for no reason, or Celebrity Ice Skating, no particular moments on Celebrity Ice Skating, just the fact that it existed, or the Squatch Rave from Finding Bigfoot, or every single episode of The Voice where Christina Aguilera dresses in clothes that are three sizes too small for her, which is to say, every single episode of The Voice.
So, the moments. First, there was a woman on Hoarders or Hoarding or Buried Alive or Hoarding Hoarders who Hoard Stuff or whatever the fuck the particular hoarding show that’s indistinguishable from the other hoarding shows is called. Look, it’s obviously not remarkable that there’s a woman on the show being that there’s a 50-50 shot of an episode’s protagonist being a woman. I have some qualms about calling someone unfortunate enough to be on that god-awful show a protagonist, but I’m not sure what other word I can use that doesn’t condescend on an individual who is being thrown on national television by producers looking to exploit their mental illness. Anyways, this unfortunate woman stored dead cats in her refrigerator. I’m not talking about two or three cats. She had like 900 in there, and I’m only exaggerating the number by roughly one half of an order of magnitude. The number of dead cats she had in that refrigerator clearly passed the necessary threshold to qualify as a “fuck load” of dead cats. And the freezer was clearly set too high since some of the cats were obviously freezer burned. I’m so disgusted by what I saw that I’m even going to pass up the opportunity to make any jokes about the reasons the cats were in the refrigerator.
Then I saw some chick on Teen Mom who ended up in jail because she couldn’t miss attending a Ke$ha concert. In her defense she had 2nd row tickets and Ke$ha is her role model. Also, in her defense, um, probation is hard because she needed to smoke weed. Note: I don’t want to create the impression that I care about her weed smoking, because I don’t. I can not imagine any scenario where I could possibly care any less about it, or any other aspect of her life, than I do now. Do what you want to do. Also, I live in Colorado so I’m well aware that the only reason her behavior is illegal is geography. Note: this is not an invitation to random Teen Mom person to move to Colorado. I’m perfectly fine with you living in another state. Any other state. Or perhaps the Netherlands. I hear that’s a nice country.
All that being said, if you’re on probation and part of that probation is to not smoke weed, perhaps, maybe, just maybe, you should stay sober until your probation is over. After that point, if you’re so inclined, feel free to go on a Lohan-like binge. Whatever. The point of this anecdote isn’t to debate the legality or lack thereof of the wacky tobaccy. The point is that a human being had multiple discussions with an obviously experienced lawyer who has to go home at night and wonder why he didn’t go into corporate law or something else that doesn’t involve defending the type of people who engage in discussions such as the discussion that we’re discussing now. In these discussions with the obviously exasperated lawyer, Teen Mom person, who I refuse to name for the same reason that everyone in Harry Potter refused to name Voldemort, stated that she couldn’t continue to serve probation because probation was hard and she couldn’t accept a reduced jail sentence because said reduced jail sentence conflicted with the date of the aforementioned Ke$ha concert.
These are the kinds of things that makes me hate the world sometimes.
I’d like to think that the ratings of these shows aren’t that great and that they only stay on the air because it costs roughly $2.00 to film an episode of Hoarding Cats in the Refrigerator and you don’t need great ratings to make mad phat cash. I could probably look the ratings up, but I’d prefer to live in ignorance on that point. I don’t know if shows like these make me worried or relieved by the possibility that one or more of the lunatics on Disaster Preppers might be right about their various paranoid delusions. Either way, I’m glad that most of the time when I turn my television on it’s to watch sports, because we all know that nothing bad ever happens in the world of sports.